Amsterdam to hold first ever “World Substance Abuse Tournament”

Amsterdam (NNC) - In an unprecedented and highly controversial decision, Amsterdam has permitted a private group to host the world’s first ever Substance Abuse Tournament (SAT). The tournament is to test the endurance and tolerance of the contest’s participants in order to determine who is the world’s most tolerant and hardcore drug abuser.

The danger and controversy is obvious, but contest organizer Benjamin Scottsfield claims that there is no danger of drug overdose or injury, besides the kind that can be sustained from various drinking competitions.

“With the hardcore drugs like heroine and LSD, you are disqualified immediately after losing consciousness or passing out,” said Scottsfield. “There is no opportunity to overdose. Despite this, we have several [EMT’s] on standby for the slight possibility.”

Furthermore, the contest is divided into several different categories ranging from “Harmless” to “Hardcore.” Marijuana and coffee tournaments belong to the “Harmless” category while heroine and methamphetamines belong to the “Hardcore” section. As the range progresses into more dangerous substances, the rules for disqualification become more and more severe in an attempt to alleviate any danger.

But who would participate in such events? Mostly drug addicts - which remains another reason that the contest has been under fire.

32-yr old Thomas Belfast of New York, NY, claims that he has been a heavy drug user for over 18 years. “Since I was 14, I began using drugs and by the time I reached my 21st birthday I was abusing IV heroine several times a day, 7 days a week.” However, Mr. Belfast appears almost proud of his habit. “It’s training like that which makes me so ripe for the contest. With the right amount of dedication and hard work, you can abuse drugs like I do.”

The contest will be featuring nearly 200 participants from all over the world, including France, Spain, America, Israel, Syria and the UK. It is scheduled to be held in the Fall.

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