A Parents Guide to College!!!!

Welcome to FOR PARENTS ONLY (4PO) , the only blog on the internet dedicated to HEALTHY PARENTING!!! This blog is written by parents… FOR PARENTS! Our goal is to be in touch with the kids of next generation while maintaining the values and ethics of our generation!!!!! And so by combining the two YOU CAN LEARN HOW TO BE A HIP AND HEALTHY PARENT!!!!

But I must warn you… this website is for parents only.

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WELL it’s that time of the year and for many of us parents, our kids are headed off to college to start their new and exciting lives! Sounds a little scary, huh? It is.

But don’t worry! If you’ve been reading this blog then you should have had no problem instilling valuable morals and ethics to keep your kids out of harms way even in the deviant situations that might arise from being in a college environment!!!

Now I bet some of you are raising your brow and asking “Well Jan, I know you’re a great blogger and an even GREATER parent, but what do you know about the dangers of sending kids off to college?”

I’M SO GLAD YOU ASKED~!!!

Having raised 6 kids, the oldest of which is 35 and the youngest of which is 4, I happen to know QUITE A BIT about the college experience. My 3 oldest boys Trevor, Matt and Prescott ALL WENT TO COLLEGE!!!! and trust me, each experience was different and exciting and uniquely challenging!

So having said that, let me get right to it and start the PARENTS GUIDE TO COLLEGE!!!
(But remember, this is FOR PARENTS ONLY, so I don’t have to warn you more than once that you better be a parent - that does not mean pregnant - that means flesh and blood children)

TIP 1: EDUCATE YOUR KIDS ABOUT ALCOHOL
I know what you’re thinking: “Jan, come on now, that’s a bit obvious. Everyone knows alcohol is a danger in college!”
YOU’RE WRONG. Alcohol is more than just a danger at college, it is an unflinchingly stark and lethal reality that presents itself to these kids on an almost DAILY BASIS. There is NO SUCH THING as educating your children too much to the dangers of consuming alcohol. Trust me, I know.

Before Prescott went to college I had enlisted him in a 3 month program meant to educate teens on alcohol and drugs. 3 MONTHS!!! But despite all my best efforts as a parent, Prescott unfortunately made some BAD DECISIONS and decided to throw all the $5000 I spent on those classes down the drain!!!!!!! Just to give you an idea, APPARENTLY (and I say APPARENTLY because the details are a little shady) he had been taking prescription painkillers and YES- I KNOW HOW BAD IT IS - cocaine for several weeks straight without sleeping. When he combined his little cocktail with some alcohol, he just went over the edge and tried lighting his dormitory on fire. I KNOW - I WAS DISAPPOINTED - TRUST ME.

Anyway, in short he was kickd out of school, spent 3 years wandering around the country before finally being picked up in Washington DC by the police for who knows what!!!

SO TRUST ME WHEN I SAY I KNOW MY STUFF!

TIP 2: EDUCATE YOUR CHILDREN ABOUT SEX
“JAN,” youre saying. “JANNET. DO YOU THINK IT’S PROPER TO EDUCATE MY CHLDREN ABOUT SEX?”

YES. TRUST ME. I know. Thoroughly educating your children about sex may seem uncomfortable but it is of the UTMOST IMPORTANCE if you want to prevent your child from spiraling downwards into a traumatizing life of sexual deviance. DON’T HOLD BACK ANYTHING.

Sometimes I blame myself for not having taught Matt enough about sex and wonder if there was more I could have done to prevent his deviating from the path of Christ, but I tried and he’s old enough to take responsibility for his own actions!!! And if he wants to live a life steeped in anonymous gay sex then what can I do about it????? NOTHING!!! I equipped him with the knowledge on how to live a satisfying life with a woman but do you think he listened? NO!!!!! I just remind myself that you can lead any horse you want to a pool of water but it’s futile to actually pry the animal’s mouth open and attempt to force its head into the water. I learnt that the hard way.

TIP 3: BUY YOUR CHILD A FRISBEE!
“JANNET ALICE REEVES,” youre saying. “SURELY YOU’RE INSANE. A FRISBEE???? HOW COULD SUCH A SMALL THING BE SO IMPORTANT!!?????? YOURE NUTS. YOU’VE LOST IT, BABE. YOU NEED HELP.”

WRONG.

A frisbee is that little-known secret that can win you the heart of any college child you might have!!! TRUST ME, PEOPLE - I KNOW.

When Trevor went to college I was torn about what to do to prepare him. I knew that his older two brothers had a difficult time adjusting and so I thought to myself “HM, WHAT DID I DO WRONG WITH THOSE TWO BOYS THAT I CAN REMEDY WITH TREVOR?” THAT’S WHEN IT HIT ME.

Despite all the good advice I gave them, if you allow a young child to get bored than you have ONE TICKING TIMEBOMB WAITING TO GO OFF. So I did some research and found out that TONS of college students EVERY YEAR play frisbee and they LOVE IT.

Unfortunately, Trevor forgot to take the frisbee with him to college and so when he found out that I wasn’t actually his biological mother and that he was born from his bastard father’s previous marriage he didn’t have anything to take his mind off of all that drama. And maybe if he had played frisbee with some of the other boys at college he would have made friends that could have convinced him to stay at the school when his father showed up and convinced him to move with him to Canada.

BUT OH WELL! IF TREVOR WANTS TO LIVE WITH HIS FATHER THAN WHAT CAN I DO TO STOP HIM?!?!!? HE’S OLD ENOUGH TO MAKE HIS OWN DECISIONS AND IF HE WANTS TO LIVE WITH THAT SCUMBAG THAN I CAN’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. HE’LL HAVE TO LEARN THE HARD WAY WHAT HIS FATHER IS REALLY LIKE. HE’LL SEE HOW MANIPULATIVE AND HORRIBLE OF A MAN HE IS. THE COURTS SAW HOW BAD OF A FATHER HE IS!!!! HE EVEN HIRED A LAWYER TO DEFEND HIMSELF, CLAIMING THE CHARGES THAT I BROUGHT AGAINST HIM WERE UNFOUNDED. HE SAID THAT I WAS THE ONE WHO SMOTHERED DYLAN IN THE CRIB. IF I WAS THE ONE WHO DID IT HOW COME HE WAS FOUND GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY?????????????? BECAUSE HE WAS GUILTY. HE WANTED TO TAKE MY BABIES AWAY FROM ME. HE SAID I WAS A HORRIBLE MOTHER. BUT I WASN’T GOING TO LET ANYONE TAKE AWAY MY BABIES. NOT MY HUSBAND, NOT MY PARENTS, NOT CPA - NOBODY. MY BABIES CAME FROM MY BODY AND SO THEY ARE MINE AND NOBODY ELSES.

DO YOU HEAR ME JOHN? ARE YOU READING THIS? CAN YOU READ MY LIPS?

I’M COMING FOR THE BOYS.

I’M COMING FOR YOU.

AND THERE’S NOONE WHO CAN STOP ME.

And now you’re ready to send your boys off to college! Make sure to pack them a frisbee and give em a peck on the cheek and sit back and watch as your boys enter the big world ahead of them!

Thanks for reading,
Always yours,
~Jan