Global Warming theorized to increase skin cancer rates by 2,000,000,000,000%

(EPP) - Just when you thought it was safe to go back out in the sun, think again. It seems that even the most pressimistic prediction of the negative impact that global warming could have on our health pales in comparison to the theory now being set forth by a team of scientists at Stanford University.

According to the research, it is entirely plausible that if global warming continues unimpeded on the path it is currently on, skin cancer rates could soar to an astronomical 2,000,000,000,000% higher than the current average. That is two-billion-trillion times the skin cancer by 2100.

In other words, we would all have some variation of skin cancer within just a century.

“Imagine a world of mummies,” said Dr. Shajay Malaki, researcher at the Environmental Protection Agency and head of the natural science department at Stanford University. “Because that is what it would be. Every man, woman and child would have some form of skin cancer. Now are you scared of global warming?”

Dr. Malaki is just one of many scientists that have dedicated their studies towards understanding global warming. Before Malaki’s findings, the highest predicted jump in rates of cancer had been pegged at 2,000% by another researcher at Stanford, Dr. Benjamin Raoul. When asked to comment on Malaki’s findings, Dr. Raoul denounced Malaki, saying:

“Malaki is a manipulative liar. I did the research too and my numbers are, and always have been, the most scientifically accurate. Shajay stole my research and added on some zero’s, that’s it.”

But Malaki attributes Raoul’s sentiments to bitterness about having been dismissed.

Since Malaki published his findings, he has been promoted to the Head of General Sciences at Stanford, appointed chairman of the Environment Disaster Prevention Society, and has received a large grant in the area of $3million to continue his research on the subject.

“Global warming is so very unfortunate,” Malaki said. “It’s just such a threat and more people need to take it seriously and try to support it as much as they can… give whatever you can afford towards research so that we can understand this thing before it’s too late.”

Indeed, and if what the studies have been saying is true, one day it may be too late. As Dr. Malaki warns, “Global warming is real. The science is there. And I will continue my innovative research in the field. Every day we find out more and more. In fact, just today I discovered that my original number may be wrong and that it might actually be closer to the unbelievably devastating number of 2,000,000,000,000,000%.”

Dr. Malaki paused before adding “It must be stopped.”

POSTED BY HAROLD RAMON, NEW YORK, NY 33:12:045

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